We had the opportunity to visit with my parents this past weekend for Father's Day. When we moved to south Texas, they were part of the reason we accepted the position and made the move. We are about 3 hours from them now, whereas, we were 10 hours away when we were in the Canyon/Amarillo area.
My mom, though not officially diagnosed, has dementia or Alzheimer's. She has absolutely no short term memory and has had significant personality changes in the past several years. We had noticed it several years ago, but after their fiasco with the cruise they were on last February, it accelerated the progression. My dad has macular degeneration so is unable to drive, thus making it a challenge for them to get to appointments or even just go to the grocery store. Fortunately, my mom had the forethought to take out long term care insurance several years ago. Now they are utilizing this to have in home care 6 days a week to help with light housekeeping, grocery shopping, and travel to doctor's appointments. The ladies who come are very special and have a calling! I do not handle it well and come away feeling so guilty because of my frustration and often times, impatience with her and the things she says. My dad lives with it 24/7 and does just about everything for her. He can see enough that he cooks or finds things for them to eat, can still help her up and down (her mobility is extremely limited and she is now on a walker), and gets her dressed every morning, helps her to bed every night, and does all their laundry. She is quite belligerent, has shown some aggression to him and to one of the ladies that comes each day, and says hateful and hurtful things to my dad all day long. He gets impatient but still works hard to do whatever she may need. And when he does get impatient, he feels very guilty about feeling that way. They used to tease each other and pick at each other. She could give it right back to him, when he did that. Now she gets mad and accuses him of not caring about her at all! I didn't realize how many things get lost when the brain loses so much of the personality of the person. She has no concept of time - passage of time or even what time of day it is, no ability to cope with pain, and is not the woman who raised 4 children, worked all of her life, and moved frequently with us as my dad's job required. She snacks all day long, thinking she hasn't eaten at all. Funny but sad story - I brought Christmas cookies to them and she ate a dozen of them throughout the day, never realizing she had just had one. As of now, she does still remember us most of the time. The hardest conversation occurred this past week when my dad asked me to call. When I did, he told me that Mom had asked for my sister's phone number and why hadn't she called him on Father's Day when they had heard from everyone else, he broke down. Dad told her we lost Shari almost 4 years ago but she didn't believe him. When we talked, I told her that Shari passed away in September of 2021, not too long after they had been at our home in Canyon in July. She accepted it but said it didn't seem like it had been 4 years.
They will have been married 67 years in September and while Dad is not perfect, he does continue to try to live out those vows they took that day back in 1958. He had just turned 19 and was in the Navy and mom was not quite 18, when they married. They moved to Norfolk, VA where he was stationed and lived there for a time before he moved mom back to Texas to be near his parents and her mom. For their 66th anniversary, I wrote a poem for them. I had asked them both to tell me how they met and how they courted, as I knew dad was already in the Navy when they met. They told me a bit then Dad let me have the letters he had written to Mom, and that she has kept all these years. I read each one and truly cherish the people I met in those letters! (Just FYI - my spouse and I "dated" by letter as he was at Texas A&M and I was at Texas Tech. I have all the letters we wrote to each other so the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree!)
I don't write all of this for sympathy or for pity. The title is my way of explaining where many of us find ourselves now. We are parents to children, who are grown and don't really need us, and grandparents to grands who are such a blessing and source of joy to us! But now our parents needs us to be the "adults" for them and make decisions that are truly some of the hardest to make.
A friend posted on Facebook that sometimes, even as adults, we still want to talk to or need our moms. I have to say that though my mom is still here physically, she is no longer able to "be the mom" but is instead more like a child. Dad does not want to leave their house but his ability to continue to care for her is definitely a drain on his mental state. Physically, he is probably in better condition just because he has to get up and move more often helping Mom. I can hear the depression in his voice every time I talk to him, as do my brothers. They have both texted or called me asking if everything was okay with Mom and Dad after talking to him.
The commandment God gave as one of the 10 commandments that includes a promise is "Honor your father and your mother, that you days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12. That commandment is repeated several times throughout the Bible, either verbatim or in other verbiage but means the same thing. I truly want to honor my parents. They worked hard their entire lives and provided for our family to the best of their abilities. Were they perfect? Of course not! But, then, neither am I as a parent, wife, daughter, etc. So below is my feeble attempt to honor them.
The Sailor and the Redhead
Les and Lou’s story
He was home and in town on leave from the Navy.
In his sailor white uniform, looking pretty snazzy!
Hanging out at the local Dairy Mart with some of his friends
Enjoying the evening and being home again.
A car of high school beauties were cruising ‘round town,
Honking and waving to say Hi to all around!
Driving up and down the streets just having a good time,
The girls were dressed up and looking so fine.
The car pulled in to the Dairy Mart lot,
So the high school beauties could get a shake or a pop.
They saw him sitting there in that uniform of white,
They called for him to jump in and ride around for the night.
The car was full with no place for him to sit,
They tried to squeeze him in but he just wouldn’t fit;
Until one auburn-haired beauty offered her seat
Then sat on his lap and made his heart beat!
Of course, he agreed and they drove from Dairy Mart,
But the auburn-haired girl caught his eye and his heart,
They loved showing him off riding in their car!
As they drove, laughed and talked riding near and far!
But the young sailor was only home for a short time
He headed back to his ship with that girl on his mind.
The auburn-haired girl, though young and unworldly,
Promised to write letters that would make his hair curly!
They traded letters and oft had to wait
For a reply to the questions that made both hesitate.
The time seemed to drag as they were kept apart
By distance and time but true were their hearts.
He came home on leave to make her his bride,
And spend the rest of their lives with her by his side!
She said “Yes!” and had to start planning
For the day before God and man, they would be standing.
His blue eyes sparkled when she came into sight.
He was so handsome in his stark coat of white.
His grin was wide as she walked down the aisle;
Her lips were trembling until she saw his smile.
Auburn hair glowing in a dress of pure white,
Her brown eyes were focused with him in her sight.
Her beautiful gown was made of satin and lace,
Topped with a veil that framed her lovely face!
Their vows were spoken from the depths of their hearts,
For richer, for poorer, till death do us part!
And 66 years later, they prove every day,
Their love is still true to each other in every way!
Tribute to Mom and Dad on their 66th Wedding Anniversary
September 11, 2024
